Something In The Air

There's something in the air. I can feel it. It's different than the colder winds sweeping through rough palms trying to keep warm. It's more than just the golden crispy red creating little walkways of autumnal happiness. The nights become a little warmer even if its plunging cold outside and the lights just twinkle a little softer this time of year. It's the happier version of me during this season. Other than my birthday I feel like a small little bird. A blue bird, and sometimes maybe a crow but only because Halloween.

People seem to pay more attention. There's no need to squint in sticky sun or hurry to places because the heat is terrible and everyone is trying not to be sweaty despite crowded hallways or classrooms with a.c. Breathing becomes a little easier, noses become delicate and red, and exhales remind of us of something we used to do when we were younger pretending it was real smoke. It's completely okay to walk slower, hands in my pockets, cheeks a little colored, a small smile. Coats replace the urge to strip in the warmer weather and heck those coats are so cute and when it begins to rain, oh don't get me started on when it begins to rain. It's a different kind of smile for pouring pitter patters.

Now the colors. The careful browns and patient auburns, the laughter filled yellows and the fading greens. The reflecting pavements with the cloudy weather. I don't know why I talk about autumn like it's the kingdom of the forest warriors, but it is, because it's when the world sees death that the colors really burst down here and there isn't more life anywhere than I've seen before- in the cafes with their coffee bean smells and people trying to keep warm and lovers seem to have easier confidences to hold a stranger's hand until they're no longer strangers and I can't help but pay attention. Opportunities to start over sweep over entire communities, there's a sense of togetherness during the holidays and feeding people with not enough in the stomachs which I don't understand because christmas isn't the only holiday where people are hungry but it's the one day a lot of people seem to want to feel 'selfless' for a day.

Halloweentown. Disney Channel I mean. What good is halloween without those little childhood traditions? Even if for a day I really enjoy going back through piles of torn and dusty attic costumes. I've done my terrible share of cultural appropriation as a child and I've since then buried my native american one. It wasn't okay of me to that and now I know never to see people's cultures as costumes. I think since then I've stuck to vampires, princesses, faeries, and the occasional wednesday addams.

[*here I paused because the t.v. was on and playing 'let it go' so naturally i had to get up and turn it off*]

I'm not sure what I mean with this post but I know I pay attention to detail even if I don't know what to do with such information. I'm a little lost but that's okay. I'm not where I want to be but I'm doing okay, y'know? There aren't any bad thoughts at this time of year anymore for a few years and I like to think of that as progress. Here's to a few miracles even if they don't happen to me because too many miracles just makes me nervous because it usually means there won't be anymore for a long time and I'd rather spread out those miracles and pass them around because I'm not the only one that needs them.

Hoping everything is alright,

Marcia

p.s. I would like to think someday I'll be happy.