Love and hope xx

I will survive this. I have to, for myself, for all the futures I have yet to build myself, for all these achy limbs have done for me, for all the times she said I couldn't but I did.

My depression is at a point where it feels like an out of body experience. A different person is taking me to school, sitting through classes, and waiting to get home. I no longer enjoy what should be enjoyed and my head is filled with nothing but the buzzing of bees in a dark and cold place. I tune out much faster when someone is talking to me and conversations that last more than five minutes without laughs in between to fill the silence leave my insides screaming. I beg to fall asleep as soon as I cocoon myself between thick winter blankets that can only muffle my cries past 1 a.m.. I wake with puffy eyes and looks from my mother that cannot form words. To swallow a sob means to shove pins down my throat because crying at school would only scare the few people I cling to for socializing a comfortable distance. Anything more would concern and people away.

I am unhappy. I need a light inside of me to find it's way back, because nights are colder and days are just long, and I am not happy. I just want to get better because I do want to transfer to and graduate from Berkeley, I do want to learn how to drive, I do want to conquer this anxiety, and I do want to move to Colorado or Washington away from the condescending voice of my mother (I love her but I will not survive here.). I want to marry my wife and have babies and live a full life. I want all of that and much more. I just need time to process my feelings and find a way to get help that doesn't involve staying at a hospital or worrying my parents.

With much love and hope,
Marcy xx

p.s. And yes I will keep writing and continue to thrive because I do not plan on going anywhere. I will fight this fight and I won't let my mental health take me away from the people that I love and also there are still so many dogs to pet and besitos to give to a girl's squishy cheeks and fall in love with her even more and I cannot wait <3