Some Nights I Can't S l e e p.

     

Nighttime Diaries pt.1

       Some times I can't fall asleep even if I've had the toughest day. My head fills with the smallest thoughts that have pretty big voices themselves. And they won't shut up. I won't let them. They keep me up at night but I guess that's the beauty of having no sleep.

        I guess I've begun to realize that life isn't just about going to college and getting a job that will fill up a house will pretty things. Life is more than what people expect you to do. For me anyways. The whole point of life, for me to be happy, is to live life to my own expectations. To bruise up here and there, but never lose sight of myself. To be free of any kind of agenda would be the way to live.

       I've never known anyone who didn't live by the rules. Sure there are rebels, but the not the kind I read about in books. Not the kind that matter anyway. All I've ever wanted was life's big adventure. And then I discovered that life is its own adventure. And not the kind I read about in books,  the kind of love that pulls triggers, and three types of wishes, and forever car rides under tunnels, and the perfect song, no, not that kind of life. I want sleepless nights over smile tugging ideas, too tired to do anything else, but still so awake that the outside world can't shut you up. I want those kind of nights, Oh, oh, oh, and the playlists that have you booty dancing with your best friend at three in the morning because talking about the universe got your blood rushing. Can we just take a moment to think about the one moment in life that reminded you why life was so worth loving? I do. And it's not just one moment, they're little snippets of moments that had me on my tippy toes from excitement and biting my life to keep from screaming at the universe "thank you for keeping me."

       Do you ever wonder that second right before you sneeze, right before you're about to close your eyes and the whole world just seems bright and clear? It feels like a whole other world, full of clarity and understanding and I wonder if I'm supposed to be part of that world or if I got so caught up living in my own that I got swallowed up? My head makes enough sense to-

       I can't finish that sentence. Hey kiddo, what's your name, where 'ya goin'? Ever been asked those types of questions? It can either come from someone nosy or an empty palm promising sweets. Either way ignore them. Ain't worth your time.

Jesus christ I can smell pizza. But is it real? Does my sniffer deceive me? It's coming from outside and I can't bear the thought of someone else enjoying it without me. Going on a mission.

I've never learned to cook and I probably never will. I'll learn how to feed myself nutritious nums but I won't cook for no man. Hell no. Enough ladies are cooking for men who can't pick up after their underwear. I don't understand why a woman has to endure that kind of life. Why not switch the cooking to the husband~ doesn't matter if you work 9 to 5 you pick up that spatula and cook and bake and clean young man. I refuse to accept that when a woman cooks it's considered 'required' but when a man does it's portrayed as some kind of 'art'. Fuck that. Disagree?

       I get scared that I'll wake up one day and realize that I haven't accomplished goals I could be proud of. That's maybe the reason i started YouTube. Because maybe I'll make new friends that will encourage me to get out more and be more social. And that the ones I have now can meet the new ones and we can just live full of positive and encouraging actions. I used to think that having alot of friends was bad because it was harder to keep track of who was trustworthy or not. And then I realized the ones that I couldn't trust were not my friends. So now I just surround myself with positive people and I've become a much happier person. I feel lighter, like my inside no longer weigh me down. And that's a good feeling. I also wanted to start YouTube because it's like a family of individuals who want to spread good vibes and help each other and encourage each other's goals. Maybe I just want to be part of a community that just wants to make people smile and laugh and cry (but the good kind of crying) and just aaaaaaagh I get so happy when some one accomplishes their goals I get inspired to procrastinate less and just aaaaaagh sho happy ^.^

Much love,

Shy Bugg