My Coming Out Story.

I haven't written on this little guy for a while.

I apologize. Because there has been so much that's happened and I'm honestly more comfortable with writing now.

Life has gotten alot better. I'm in a much happier place than I was six months ago and I couldn't have asked for better people in my life than the ones who've decided to stay and the ones who've just arrived.

So here's a story that I hope will make up for my absence.

GREY'S ANATOMY

Calliope and Arizona<3

 I'm GAY. DID U HEAR ME DO I NEED TO SPEAK LOUDER NO OKAY. I'm so gay that one time I broke down crying because I never wanted to have sex with a guy. After that I just kinda knew. I knew I couldn't possible ever want to be with a guy because even the thought of it was revolting. I couldn't stand it. I didn't want it. And before I go on to tell you the beginning of this story I need to tell you that that first sentence- that two worded sentence has taken me so long to even say out loud and not feel like it's a crime to fall in love with a girl and possibly want to marry that girl. I was so horribly stuck in a bad place that until I had figured this out I thought I couldn't possible ever feel normal. But now I couldn't possibly feel happier.

So let me tell you this story. It begins in kindergarden because that's as far as I can remember. Before that I didn't even know we were supposed to like someone. I was just a toddler content with existing and drinking juice boxes, making mud cakes, wiggling my booty to my dad's old records, and watching Disney films. Then kindergarden happened and that's when I don't know what happened. I don't remember particularly liking boys or anyone really but I did pick up on the whole 'cooties' thing. Didn't know what they were but apparently boys had them and I agreed. But somewhere between cooties and riding tricycles and sandbox memories... a thought popped itself into my little childhood. It was a strange thought, so strange I had to stop in my tracks amongst the daydreaming and tree climbing to take this thought in- "You will never marry a boy." At that point in life it was like "what?" I didn't even really know what marriage was at that age. I just thought it was some lady named Marry who wouldn't shut up about herself. I couldn't really wrap my head around the thought mainly because I had no idea what to make of it. I was just kinda like okay......*back to playing with imaginary dog* (YES I HAD IMAGINARY DOGS OURS HAD JUST DIED OKAY I DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF DEATH I WAS ONLY SIX OKAY.) It didn't occur to me until later that not only had I developed a horrible self esteem but that it would later on contribute to one of the darkest times in my life.

(I mean cmon lookeeeeet how could i not be a lesbian?

cuddles? kishes? hugsss? Mew >.<)

Few years pass and just like the 'norm' I had crushes on guys that I found 'different' I by different I mean shit personalities and pretentious assholes who placed them selves on pedestals so high when I look back I think "wHYYYYY MARCIA WHYYYYY" but hey I was just a kid. Still am, but you know what I mean. I had no soundtrack to life back then but now I do and it just keeps going. So then I get to middle school and everything seems as normal as it can get. There were still some things I was pretty confused about but I kinda figured I'd figure that part of life out later. And then the word "gay" drops a bomb in the fourth grade which was when I was about ten. First I just assumed there just heterosexual couples because that's all I was exposed to. And then one day I saw a guy that had a hello kitty purse at school and walked with such confidence that I knew there had to be a name for someone who was so unique. I asked and all I got was "gay". They told me it's when guys liked guys and this wasn't really much of a shock. It was more like okay Im processing new information *ding* new information has been processed. I DIDN'T OVERREACT OR FREAK OUT LIKE SOME ADULTS DO OKAY AND MIND YOU I WAS TEN. I was also told that girls could like girls and that was that. I didn't think much of it.

More representation please!!

Especially YouTube!!

I don't see alot of POC LGBTQ+

And I need to see people who look like me up there 

ex: LATINAS, CHICANAS, MEXICANAS

I need people like ^^^^ this beautiful human as role models <333

Mostly that was because I was too busy daydreaming of other things. I wondered why I couldn't "fit in" no matter how hard I tried. I tried so hard to be girly because I didn't want to be mistaken for a boy and I have no idea why that even bothered me like now I don't give a flying fuck about much because I know who I am so the people that don't matter I pay no attention to. But at that age apparently that was a big thing I worried about. No matter what I did no matter what I changed about myself- the kind of music I listened to, the way I wore my hair, the way I carried myself, the way I perceived myself. I still felt the same. And at twelve years old I felt more of a freak trying to fit it and trying to stay afloat that I began to drown. I stopped talking for a while and by this I mean I didn't really try to vocalize what I was feeling (which I really didn't do alot anyways) but I just sort of stopped. Stopped feeling everything. And in the process this wicked shadow stabbed something so deep into me I felt liked cold as fire. If you don't know what that feels like it's almost when you stick your hand under the faucet and it's so hot you don't realize it until you've already burned. I felt like some kind of zombie and saw nothing in my future. I tried to kill myself over and over and over. Never succeeded. Not like I really wanted to die. Not really anyway. I just didn't know how to stop feeling cold and empty all the time.

***being a lesbian is the greatest thing evaaa.***

i get a best friend and a cuddle buddy.

(vaness and shea are one of the cootest cubs evaaaa~)

I slipped and blah blah blah I honestly get so tired to telling people this part of the story. That uncomfortable part of my life is over and now for the best part- THE DUN DUN DUUUUUUN. The good stuff the part where I discovered I'd been playing for the wrong team this entire time. So high school happened and I struggled with other bullshit which I look back at now and I'm just like what the hell was I thinking there's more to life than this bubble I'm living in. And that's kinda when I distanced and then totally had my petty problems forgotten and tried to live a little more 'normally' I guess you could say. And I somehow ended up trying to like the wrong people. I liked so many boys one every year and I felt like I had to somehow force myself to like someone every year, as if my sanity depended on it, as if something would go wrong if I didn't. I was scared everytime I didn't have crushes on boys and I guess in the back of my head I kinda threw the idea like for a millisecond but it got scary so I didn't.

And then junior year happened and the first time I actually considered being gay scared the living hell outta me. I couldn't stop thinking about it because I physically couldn't stop thinking about this girl in my history class. She was full blown brain lethal. She could also kill me with her adorable laugh. Her giggles gave me butterflies. And I didn't know why. I didn't like the idea like I literally convinced myself for five minutes that I had made it up in my head and that maybe I was curious. So I tried to go back to liking boys. TRIED. I FUCKING COULDN'T. I NEVER SAW A BOY THE SAME WAY AGAIN. GIRLS WERE A FUCKING COUNTRY I HAD PERMANENTLY DEVOTED MYSELF TO AND BOYS WERE THE MOON. PRETTY BUT TOO CLOSE AND JUST NO. JUST KIDDING IM NOT GONNA COMPARE USELESS BOYS TO THE MOON. THEY'RE JUST USELESS PENI. (I'm hoping that's the plural for multiple penis or else this rant just looks... well ok you get the point.)

I forgot about those feelings and senior year this girl walked into life and my entire body just went click. I learned that she made me catch myself smiling at the thought of her. Everything felt new. Like I'd just discovered what it felt like to have feelings for people. Then one day I did the most embarrassing thing that made people turn their head from what they were doing at me. So she was wearing these jeans that looked really nice on her. And when I mean nice I mean daaaaayuuummmm do she got da booty? she doooooooooooo and I have no idea what I was thinking but I chose that time to open my mouth and all that came out was "your butt looks really nice in those jeans" and it felt like everyone turned to look at me but did I stop? Nope I just kept going. I even called my friend into it because he looked at me a little funny "Dude doesn't she look super cute in those jeans?" And in that moment I swear everyone knew I was gay before I did.

And sure I kissed her and sure we made out behind closet doors.

(in my head this is how it went down hehe)
bowchicabowow

 But that's a different story. When I look back I realized that the only thing that scared me about being a lesbian was the way the media portrayed them/us. They were supposed to be these super buff super butch looking girls. I am not one of these girls. I had honestly thought that if I was a lesbian that I had to look like this or act a certain way or dress a certain way. So that's what I think made the process a little harder. And then I began trying to find other girls that like girls. Youtube happened. Tumblr happened. Adults say the internet is nothing. But I say it's what helped the coming out process. There were girls who wore dresses and makeup and didn't 'look' or 'seem' gay. There were girls that wore more "masculine" clothes but were the biggest mushballs ever. There were girls of all ranges and everything in between. It opened up my head and made me feel stupid for believing that one stereotype and in the end I realized the only thing that mattered was that they liked girls. And I learned. I almost drowned trying to figure out what was wrong with me but the thing that scared me was what saved me and what taught me to love myself. Without the internet simple "talking" about it with other friends? I felt alone. I didn't know anyone else like me. I heard there were lesbians at my school but how was I supposed to know who they were or how to find them? I just wanted to feel acccepted and in the process I lost people. They used to matter. But I mattered more. My self love and self acceptance mattered more. So I left. And I took everyone I loved with me. And I'm happier now being happy me than I was when I pretended everything was alright. And it is, well now it is knowing who I am is okay, it's more than okay.

(i'm really looking forward to this day I luv being all mushballsy and coot :*)

MUCH LOVE,

MARCY **LIDDO HEART EMOJIS**

A very special thank you to those who helped me during my coming out process I am forever grateful <3 :

**Rose and Rosie**

**Kaelyn and Lucy**

***Marisa Farina***

***Marisa and Briana***